A very commonly asked question is “what is counselling?” Well, it is a very good question and we could spend many hours discussing and writing an answer to this question. A little ambitiously, I am going to try to answer the question in as succinct way as possible.
The plain answer to this question is that counselling has a dedicated frame that makes it a formal arrangement and relationship. That frame is open and agreed between both the client and counsellor.
“What is the frame?” The frame describes the edges of the relationship. It is the place, the time, the money, the confidentiality and the limits to that confidentiality. It can feel very bald when what we are also describing is a very intimate relationship. The frame is the essential scaffolding to the relationship.
I am aware that I keep using that word – relationship. The reason for this is that in counselling the dynamics and feelings between the counsellor and client(s) is vital and alive. The counsellor is not an inanimate slot machine that will have a binary set of responses. The counsellor is an essential tool in establishing a healing relationship.
I just have to get this off my chest before we go on! I often hear people calling counselling an indulgence. Please note that this is said by those who have never experienced counselling. If they had, they would know, that this commitment is quite a pledge and involves being open, honest and confronted. It can be painful, frustrating and difficult. It is not for the feint-hearted. However, the rewards of counselling are also huge.
A large part of what makes this relationship formal is the counsellors’ commitment to hold the space in a way that is consistent, even handed and sensitive. The counsellor will endeavour to absolutely tune into the client on an emotional and mental level using everything in the toolkit to do this. By doing this they attune. This word means that the counsellor will find the client’s wavelength and never stop trying to be alongside that communication. The client will feel listened to, heard and most times understood.
The consistency of meetings allows for this holding to become expected and will then resource both the relationship and the client.
This means that more difficult feelings and experiences can be explored. Hearts and minds can open and be allowed in the space.
I often hear counsellors say the Rogerian mantra of “we come to the client with empathy, warmth and non-judgementalism.” These are the core conditions of the relationship.
This is a harder and more complex approach than it sounds but what it allows for is the client’s self-exploration. We are not all lovely and all light. All of us have wonderful parts and less wonderful parts and all these parts of us are important and have a role in our being. The mix of neutrality and involvement is a nurturing remedy to the development of the self.
“What is empathy?” Empathy is when one person feels ‘in’ the other. That is, they receive, on a deep level, the experience of the other. Counsellor’s train intensely to develop this skill. It is one of the building blocks of the work. Once you can feel into another’s experience you can build a picture of them, and they will feel you are alongside their experience. Empathy is different to sympathy. In sympathy we feel ‘for’ rather than ‘in’.
We create magic in therapy. I know – quite a statement. But, by listening intently, feeling in and attuning consciously and unconsciously we can mirror the other person. This means the other person can start to see themselves, get to know themselves and that in turn allows for change and control.
The formal relationship of counselling can provide healing, self-development and self-knowledge. It can profoundly change how we are in the world and the actions we take.
Noelle Adler
