By Lori Covington 

One fascinating aspect of being human is how we insist on creating and maintaining conditions under which we then suffer—and often make those around us suffer, as well. Take holidays. 

Many people are lonely and isolated, and holidays, with the societal messages about spending delightful times with family and Tesco ads featuring massive turkeys and mince pies for 24 making the isolation feel even worse. Many people have conflicted families, unhappy histories and ongoing issues with family members, which may be unavoidable at the time of year when families are expected to spend time together—whether they like it or not. 

 Some people have generally happy times with family and friends, but have been working so hard before the holidays that all they really want is to crawl under the duvet with a box of Maltesers and a bottle of wine, and, having finished both, sleep without interruption for two solid weeks. These are the people who are expected at the family home the day they’re off from work, for a series of country dog walks, pub visits, catching up with old friends, singalongs and long, complicated meals; hard work to assemble, endless to wash up, impossible to digest. Everyone else calls these people, “the lucky ones”. 

Nearly everyone finds Christmas tricky in terms of time and money. How many gifts to buy, and how to determine the budget? Why do we need so much more food? It’s not like we can actually EAT three times as much, and yet the shopping goes on and on. How about trying to figure out how much someone else is going to spend on your gift, so you can match it with something that’s not too extravagant and not too cheap? How to accept some invitations and decline others when your social worlds overlap and peoples’ feelings may be hurt? 

Summing up: life can be hard. We invented holidays, it seems, to remind us several times a year that no matter how we try, no matter the desire to arrange our lives with clarity, integrity and coherence, it’s inevitable that at some point between now and New Year’s, something’s gonna go wrong. And somebody’s gonna get the blame.  

So, what, given givens such as impermanence and suffering, late trains and sick dogs, can we do to ameliorate the disasters inevitable when millions of people attempt to enjoy themselves, pacify their families, attend to their bank accounts and forget their jobs all at the same time? Here’s your new winter check list for a different kind of holiday experience. I’ve included links for extra support, helping you keep it between the rails this holiday season. 

1. Be kind to others. If you can manage this, you’re not going to need much more. I know—it’s easy to say, “be kind”. Doing it under stress is another matter. Kindliness requires strength, determination and persistence. It is the ultimate practice of diligence and takes a lot of emotional muscle. 

Start with kindly speech. If there is someone in your holiday world you conflict with, try this: be as courteous to that person as if they were someone you don’t know very well. Walk away from invitations to bicker; actively avoid contentious topics; don’t even try to be right. If you’re being attacked, or get so activated that your fighting instincts won’t be quelled, leave the scene quietly, without drama. Calm yourself by literally patting the top of your head, your shoulders and your hands—called soothing self-touch, patting yourself gently for a minute or so calms the vagus nerve and tells your body that you’re safe. Or try following this simple 2 minute practice to calm yourself and get clarity: 

Find the people you feel calm with, accepted by, and barnacle yourself to them. Console yourself with the knowledge that you’ve behaved very well indeed. Here’s a learning video about practicing compassion by Dr. Rick Hanson. 

2. Love the people you love. Many people spend their time trying to gain acceptance from the people who criticise them, who make them feel inadequate. Especially if childhood was difficult, adults will tend to pursue people who don’t value them over people who do. It’s one of the puzzling traits about our species, to walk right past a brimming well and try to extract water from the dry one forty miles down the road.  

Take some time to think about the people you know you can trust. Who are your real friends? Who are the people who care for you? Perhaps there’s someone on the fringe of your acquaintance you’ve thought it would be nice to know better because they’re friendly, loyal, brave, trustworthy, funny. Find out more about that person over a coffee. And honour your trusted friends/family members with gifts of your time, attention, your help, your humour.  

To help you think deeply about trust, check out this talk by Dr. Brené Brown. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuO639CGBhw&t=24s 

3. Be kind to yourself. You don’t have to be perfect, or anything NEAR perfect, to be worthy, to be liked and loved. Winter can be chilly and damp: keep yourself warm with the right clothes, good hot food, close friends and pleasant activities. Practice self-compassion (bet they didn’t teach you THAT at college!) Follow this link to Dr. Rick Hanson’s guided meditation on befriending yourself: 

4. Did you know it takes five good interactions (and they can be very small and still be very significant) to outweigh one bad one in a relationship? Take this time to earn your brownie points with the people who matter to you. It can be as simple as bringing a cup of tea, or watching a film that you wouldn’t have chosen and talking it over with the person who did choose it. It can be noticing when someone looks sad and asking them about it. Or letting your partner or kid off the hook for long enough to take a bubble bath by taking the kids or grandkids out for pizza and a long walk.  It can be something huge: you can heal damage instantly in some cases and make up for old wrongs by apologising when you’ve messed up, and whenever possible, making amends. Dr. John Gottman has some interesting things to say about relational bank accounts… 

1. The three minute version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqPvgDYmJnY 

2. If a leaves you baffled, try this longer one: 

5. Connect with nature. Take a camp chair outside (it’ll be the only dry seat you find!) and watch the clouds. Count the birds and listen for their song. Wander the hedgerows and notice the deep crimson of the haws, the otherworldly greeny-blue lichens. Admire the frowsy elegance of the ponies on Exmoor or Dartmoor. Make a bonfire and roast hot dogs with your kids. Dare your partner to make out on the beach, or in the woods. Remember where you come from; celebrate the earth, the water, the ground, the sky. I’m not putting a link here: put on your Wellies and your big woolly jumper and get out there!